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Posts Tagged ‘penis’

TELUS (a mobile phone company in Canada) tells guys to put their phones and penises away… all while demonstrating the expression se garder une petite gêne as used in the French of Québec.

Hey, what more could you ask for in a cellphone provider?

TELUS released an advertising campaign on Facebook this month. The ads promoted July as a cellphone manners month — basically, don’t take your phone out at inappropriate moments, like at the restaurant or cinema.

Many of the ads, like the ones that follow, included sexual innuendo capitalising on the whole pulling-your-phone-out / pulling-your-dick-out thing. (I think it’s a thing, isn’t it?)

Click on the images to see the enlarged version.

In the first example, the ad reads:

Avez-vous tendance à vouloir le sortir à table?
Do you have a tendency of wanting to take it out at the table?
Gardez-vous une #petitegêne

The question is literally asking if you have a tendency of wanting to whip out your phone while at the table.

Between the lines, however, is the question of whether or not you whip out what’s between your legs as well.

‘Cos, you know, it’s common knowledge that as soon as guys sit down at the table for supper, they have an uncontrollable desire to pull their penis out.

But the second part, gardez-vous une petite gêne, what does that mean?

We’re being told to not do socially unacceptable stuff and to restrain ourselves, like from wanting to use our phone at inappropriate moments or from wanting to take our penis out.

(Yes, really. This all gets even better below.)

Se garder une petite gêne (and I believe this expression is unused in European French) means to show restraint in public, to show modesty.

So, for example, if a pervert on the bus suddenly took his penis out, you could politely admonish him by saying: Monsieur, gardez-vous une p’tite gêne!

If we pick the expression apart, we get: “to keep a little embarrassment to oneself.” You know, like whipping your dinky out at the table — keep a little embarrassment to yourself and put that thing away.

The TELUS campaign continues with examples of different men who don’t keep a little embarrassment to themselves — they take not only their phone out at inappropriate moments, but their member as well.

In this second ad, we see that TELUS has taken a special moment between two young people in love and turned it into something filthy.

Dude has a tendency of taking his phone slash penis out on the first date:

Je le sors même de mes jeans au premier rendez-vous.
I even take it out of my jeans on the first date.
Gardez-vous une #petitegêne.

Or how about at the restaurant?

In this third ad, I don’t think our lady friend would like it if her date whips his phone slash penis out before the crème brûlée is served and things start getting really hot and sleazy down at the resto.

Espérons qu’il le garde sous la table jusqu’au dessert.
Let’s hope he keeps it under the table until dessert.
Gardez-vous une #petitegêne.

Has the expression gardez-vous une petite gêne been burnt into your memory yet? Good!

In this fourth ad, we’re reminded that juillet est le mois de la courtoisie au cellulaire (July is cellphone manners month), followed by this information about our last licentious slimeball (or is he the same slimeball from the last ad?):

Au cinéma, il ne reste jamais longtemps dans mon bermuda.
At the cinema, it never stays put in my shorts for very long.
Gardez-vous une #petitegêne.

OK, TELUS! I think we’ve understood loud and clear — July is the month for keeping our phones and penises where they belong at inappropriate moments.

Got it, guys? In July,
on se garde une p’tite gêne.

(July ends next week.)

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Lui: Hahaha! T’es devenue tellement intéressante! Je m’en crisse de ta plotte poilue. Elle: Hihihi, moi aussi je t’aime.

So, at the risk of increasing the number of visitors arriving here from Google looking for porn (there isn’t any, you perverts), let’s look at two vulgar words used to refer to the vagina and penis in Québécois French:

  • la plotte (a vulgar word for le vagin)
  • la graine (a vulgar word for le pénis)

In a comical letter written by Rabii Rammal, we discover an irreverent example of the word plotte in use.

In his letter, Rammal advances that it’s possible to say essentially anything to anybody without causing offence, provided that it’s said with finesse:

Je suis de ceux qui croient qu’on peut tout dire, mais qu’il y a une manière de le faire.

I’m one of those people who believes it’s possible to say anything, but there’s a (right) way to do it.

He discovered this, he explains, the day he witnessed a drunken friend criticise his female frequentation of the moment in a decidedly unclassy way.

What did the friend say to her?

« T’as beau être mannequin, mais t’es tellement superficielle. J’m’en fous de ton corps. Tu devrais passer moins de temps à t’épiler et plus de temps à t’éduquer. Tu deviendrais intéressante et peut-être que là, j’m’en crisserais de ta plotte poilue. »

“You may look like a model, but you’re so superficial. I don’t give a damn about your body. You should spend less time waxing yourself, and more time educating yourself. You’d become interesting, and maybe then I wouldn’t give a fuck about your hairy pussy.”

Now there’s a counterexample if I’ve ever read one.

In a different letter written by Rammal (this one addressed to a woman who was talking about her menstruations on the bus), we discover the word graine.

Rammal tells the woman that he’s unsure if she’ll consider his opinion. He quotes a comedian from Québec:

J’ignore si tu prendras en considération mon opinion. Après tout, comme le dit si bien Sébastien Ravary : « Ton opinion, c’est comme ta graine; tu la gardes pour toi jusqu’à ce que quelqu’un te la demande. »

I don’t know if you’ll consider my opinion. After all, as Sébastien Ravary put it so well: “Your opinion is like your dick; keep it to yourself until someone asks for it.”

If you haven’t yet discovered Rabii Rammal, I highly recommend his writing as an entertaining way to discover, ahem, new ways of saying things in colloquial French. You can follow the links below to read the letters that inspired today’s post.

_ _ _

French quotes by Rabii Rammal in:

«Cher gars qui aime La Voix», Urbania, Montréal, 13 février 2014.

«Chère fille qui m’a montré son tampon ensanglanté», Urbania, Montréal, 10 octobre 2013.

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Mike Ward uses a lot of informal French in the comedic sketch that you listened to in entry #472.

One of the informal verbs that he uses is shaker, which, maybe you guessed it, comes from the English “shake.”

In his sketch, Mike Ward relates his first experience with Viagra. He tells the audience that the effect on him was so strong that: mon pénis shakait!

It shook, it trembled, it vibrated…

Shaker is a verb that you’ll sometimes hear used in the spoken French of Quebec on an informal level.

It’s an informal equivalent of trembler, vibrer, etc.

You can go back and listen to Mike Ward’s sketch here.

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OK, parfait. Là, je veux savoir, avant de commencer, y’en a-tu qui ont déjà essayé du Viagra? Qui par applaudissements a déjà pris du Viagra? Y’a-tu… OK, y’a une personne qui applaudit, un peu gênée. Moi, j’en ai pris, j’en ai pris du Viagra. J’ai pas honte de t’ça. J’ai essayé ça pis moi, regarde, j’savais pas que j’avais des problèmes d’érection avant d’essayer le Viagra. Mais là j’ai réalisé, j’avais jamais bandé de toute ma vie.

C’était fou, avec le Viagra, c’était fou… comme… ostie… mon pénis shakait! Mon pénis était fâché! Y était… Y voulait tuer tout l’monde. J’avais neuf pouces de graine, j’avais six pouces de peau. Ça voulait arracher… ça… mon pénis était Hulk Hogan qui déchire son t-shirt, ostie. J’ai encore les vergetures. Ç’a, ç’a vraiment… Pis je l’ai pas dit, je l’ai pas dit à ma blonde quand j’ai essayé ça, t’sais, parce que… [elle] était pas là, c’est pas d’ses câlisse d’affaires, t’sais! Non, non, mais… [elle] était là.

T’sais, l’annonce qui dit, si l’érection dure plus que quatre heures, consultez votre médecin. Pis là, j’étais comme, tabarnak, j’sus au Québec, j’en ai pas d’médecin! T’sais, pis… Imagine, j’appelle Urgences Santé, je peux pas appeler Urgences-santé dire : « Oui, salut, c’est Mike Ward. Eille! j’sus vraiment bandé! » C’est sûr que ça passe aux nouvelles. Fait qu’là…

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