Posts Tagged ‘sex’

The website À bien y penser is about having safer sex to reduce the risk of infections. The language used there is very good to know.

We first looked at some safer-sex French from that website here, in entry #778.

On one page of the website, called Les pires excuses pour ne pas utiliser le condom, we discover 10 terrible excuses used by certain horny people to avoid using a condom.

I’ve taken the 10 excuses and created a bilingual guide below to prepare you for what these people might say to you in French during your next weekend trip to Montréal.

I’ve altered the French only slightly in a couple spots: I’ve removed the ne in negative constructions, leaving only pas or rien, for a more conversational feel.

Les pires excuses pour ne pas utiliser le condom
The worst excuses for not using a condom

1. Si tu m’aimais, tu le ferais sans condom.
If you loved me, you’d do it without a condom.

2. Si j’avais quelque chose, je le saurais.
If I weren’t ok, I’d know.

3. Un condom, c’est pas confortable et je sens rien.
Condoms aren’t comfortable, and I can’t feel anything.

4. Tu me connais, c’est sûr que j’ai rien.
You know me, obviously I’m ok.

5. Je prends la pilule, pas besoin de condom.
I’m on the pill, no need for a condom.

6. Avec un condom, je perds mon érection.
When I use a condom, I lose my erection.

7. Je suis bien trop jeune pour avoir une infection*.
I’m way too young to have an infection.

8. Je suis allergique aux condoms.
I’m allergic to condoms.

9. Un condom, c’est fait pour les one night stand*.
Condoms are just for one-night stands.

10. Ça coupe le moment.
It ruins the moment.

_ _ _

*The original said une ITS instead of une infection. An ITS is an infection transmissible sexuellement, or sexually transmissible infection (STI).

*Even in the plural, it’s pronounced one night stand.

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I was messaging back and forth with a reader of OffQc who was curious to know how to say “tic-tac-toe” (exes and ohs, noughts and crosses) in Québécois French. He wanted to know if the game is called morpion in Québec.

The game is called tic-tac-toe in Québec. On the other hand, you may hear the French call the game morpion instead.

But that word — morpion — is in fact used in Québec. But it means something else, something much more blood-suckingly sinister.


Not the seafood kind of crabs, but the in-your-crotch kind of crabs. The STD kind of crabs. Not gonna post a picture here, don’t worry.

That’s because crab lice are called morpions in French. Both the Québécois and the French call crab lice morpions.

Here’s a page from the Québec Ministry of Health about morpions, if you’re interested. It’s an easy read geared towards younger people, where you can pick up some vocab about the subject, like:

avoir des morpions
to have crabs

se débarrasser des morpions
to get rid of crabs

Ils s’agrippent aux poils du pubis.
They [les morpions] cling to hair on the pubis.

The website, called À bien y penser (When you think about it), is more generally about protecting yourself during sex. There’s a French and English version; you can refer to the English when you don’t understand the French. I’m not sure how long it will stay up in this current version, so check it out sooner than later if you want to learn more vocab in this area.

When you think about it... with a condom, there's no need to hold back. À bien y penser... avec un condom, pas besoin de te retenir.

When you think about it… with a condom, there’s no need to hold back. À bien y penser… avec un condom, pas besoin de te retenir.

Other things you can read on the site include:

Un condom pour sucer?
Allô! J’ai une question : est-ce que je dois demander à mon chum de mettre un condom avant de lui faire une pipe? Je ne voudrais pas avoir une ITS. Est-ce qu’on peut attraper une ITS par la bouche?

A condom for oral sex?
Hi! I have a question: should I ask my boyfriend to put on a condom before I give him a blow job? I wouldn’t like to get an STI. Can you catch an STI through the mouth?

mettre un condom
to put on a condom
(condom is pronounced condon)

faire une pipe à mon chum
to give my boyfriend a blow job

une ITS (infection transmissible sexuellement)
an STI (sexually transmissible infection)

Condom avec mon ex?
Je viens de reprendre avec ma blonde. On s’est laissés pendant quelques mois, mais avant, on a été ensemble un an. On ne mettait pas de condom parce qu’elle prenait la pilule et qu’on était fidèles. Certaines personnes m’ont dit qu’elle avait été avec d’autres gars depuis qu’on s’est laissés. En fin de semaine, on est supposés de se voir et je me demandais si j’étais mieux de mettre un condom. Merci à l’avance pour votre réponse.

A condom with my ex?
I’ve just got back together with my girlfriend again. We didn’t go out together for a few months, but before that, we were together for a year. We didn’t use a condom because she was taking the pill and we were faithful to each other. Some people have told me that she’s been with other guys since we broke up. We’re supposed to see each other on the weekend and I was wondering if I should use a condom. Thank you in advance for your answer.

je viens de reprendre avec ma blonde
I’ve just got back together with my girlfriend

on ne mettait pas de condom
we didn’t use condoms before

elle prenait la pilule
she was taking the pill

elle a été avec d’autres gars
she was with other guys [for sex]

est-ce que je suis mieux de mettre un condom?
should I use a condom?

P.S. Just kidding about not posting an image of the crab louse. 🙂

un morpion

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In issue 31 of the magazine Urbania (this issue was devoted entirely to the theme of babies), Frédéric Guindon writes about his experience at trying to get his wife pregnant.

He gives a piece of advice:

La première étape quand on veut un enfant, c’est de fourrer.
Souvent et bien.

The F word in this quote is the equivalent of the F word in English.

The author goes on to explain why it’s so important that the sex be good:

If it’s not good sex, les petits spermatomachins will know it, and they’ll crash into the wall instead of going into la boîte magique…

[Quote above by Frédéric Guindon, in “Guindon et fils,” Urbania (Montréal), no. 31, p. 45. To crash into the wall = foncer dans le mur. To go into the magic box = rentrer dans la boîte magique.]

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