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On Twitter, Guy A. Lepage commented on a case in which a mother was found guilty of offering her daughter to her spouse as a sex toy, un jouet sexuel.

Lepage called the woman a colice de conne on Twitter.

What does this mean?

Here’s what the tweet says:

Colice de conne ! Prison longtemps please Une mère offre sa fille comme jouet sexuel à son conjoint via

If you guessed that Guy A. Lepage is insulting the mother, you’d be right! Here’s how it might read if it had been written in English:

Fucking idiot! Long prison sentence, please. A mother offers her daughter as a sex toy to her spouse.

Calling a man un con or a woman une conne is an insult in French.

The masculine word con in French is vulgar. Its English equivalent is cunt. In fact, con (French), cunt (English) and coño (Spanish) are all etymologically related.

When con or conne is used to insult someone, it becomes an offensive way of calling someone an idiot.

Interestingly, we read this about the usage of con and conne in Québec on Wikipedia:

Con et conne existent aussi au Québec et sont fréquemment utilisés, mais n’ont été adoptés que dans la deuxième moitié du 20esiècle, sous l’influence des films français. Ce terme argotique nous était inconnu avant la deuxième guerre mondiale.

Con and conne also exist in Québec and are frequently used, but they weren’t adopted until the second half of the 20th century, influenced by French films. This slang term was not used in Québec before the Second World War.

On that Wikipedia page, con and conne were given as synonyms of épais and épaisse, which are frequently used in Québec in the sense of “idiot.”

What about colice?

We’ve seen this before on OffQc but more often spelled on the blog as câlice and câlisse. In colice de conne, the colice de part means “fucking.”

colice de conne, fucking idiot
colice de cave, fucking idiot
colice de marde, fucking shit
ma câlisse de job, my fucking job
une câlice de bonne idée, a fucking good idea
un câlisse de chien sale, a fucking dirty dog

Be sure to listen to Laurent Paquin’s Chant sacré, where you’ll hear all kinds of Québécois swear words in a very short song.

You can follow Guy A. Lepage on Twitter here.

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ma-vie-cest-de-la-marde-francais-quebecois

Ma vie, c’est d’la marde.

Ma vie, c’est d’la marde.
My life is shitty.
[His life is shitty because he got D+ at school. Well, at least he got the +.]

Stresse pas, bro!
La vie est si belle!
Don’t stress out, bro!
Life is so nice!

C’est vrai, au moins il fait beau en esti!
That’s true, at least it’s fuckin’ nice out!

Hehe, j’niaisais!
Hehe, I was kidding!

_ _ _

[…] en esti, fucking […]
c’est beau en esti!, that’s fucking nice!
t’es hot en esti!, you’re fucking hot!

niaiser, to kid, to joke
arrête de niaiser!, stop kidding around!
me niaises-tu?, are you kidding me?

+ 13 example sentences of the québécois marde here.

Bon lundi!

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Wou-hou, check la madame, est toute énarvée!

Yes! Entry #800! I’m so excited!
J’suis tellement énervé!

Now there’s an expression that means the opposite of what you might expect…

In Québec, j’suis tellement énervé doesn’t have the negative meaning of “annoyed” or “irritated” like it does in France.

It has the positive meaning of “excited.”

Remember, je suis is very often pronounced informally as chu or chui.

I’ll use the spelling j’suis below to show these informal pronunciations.

J’suis tellement énervée, je tiens plus en place.
I’m so excited, I can’t keep still.

Je dors p’us, j’suis tellement énervé!
I can’t sleep anymore, I’m so excited! (P’us in informal pronunciation of the negative [ne] plus. It sounds like pu.)

Je capote, j’suis énervée, excitée…
I can’t calm down, I’m so excited…

J’suis toute énervée, là! J’ai plein de papillons!
I’m so excited! I’m all butterflies!

J’suis tellement énervé de partir.
I’m so excited to leave.

J’étais très énervé à l’idée de le rencontrer.
I was very excited at the idea of meeting him.

J’suis tellement énervée! J’me peux p’us! Maudit que j’ai hâte!
I’m so excited! I can’t take it anymore (can’t wait)! Damn I can’t wait!

In that last example above, j’me peux p’us is a contraction of je (ne) me peux plus and means essentially the same thing as j’ai hâte. The informal p’us sounds like pu.

You’ll remember that the Québécois pronounce â like “aww,” so hâte almost-sorta-kinda sounds like the English word “ought,” whereas in France hâte sounds more like the English word “at.”

J’ai hâte! J’me peux p’us!
I can’t wait! I can’t take it anymore!

J’me peux p’us… dans trois jours, je pars en vacances!
I can’t wait… in three days, I’m going on holiday!

Câline, j’me peux p’us, j’ai trop hâte de voir ça!
My goodness, I can’t take it anymore, I can’t wait to see it!

The expression je me peux plus can take on another sense: A woman asked online in a forum for pregnant mothers if she could take a quick dip in the pool on a hot day despite having a slightly detached placenta. Another woman responded with this advice for her on hot days:

Moi, j’ai toujours un pouche-pouche d’eau dans le réfrigérateur. Quand je me peux pus, je m’arrose de cette eau très froide et OH que ça fait du bien!

I always keep a spray bottle filled with water in the refrigerator. When I can’t take it anymore, I spray myself with the cold water and OH does it ever feel good!

Here, the idea behind je me peux plus is not being able to withstand any longer (and not “I can’t wait” like in the other examples).

Yes, un pouche-pouche is a spray bottle! Here, it’s used to talk about a spray bottle filled with water; it’s also used to talk about spray bottles filled with perfume. This funny term comes from the sound the spray bottle makes… pouche-pouche. 😀

And now I think this entry has officially gone off topic. We started with being excited and now we’re talking about… pouche-pouches!

P.S. Énarvé is a pronunciation variation of énervé. Pronouncing ar instead of er is more typically associated with older speakers (e.g., varte instead of verte). The exception to this is the ar sound in vulgar words, which can be heard in all age groups, like tabarnak, viarge, marde, as opposed to tabernacle, vierge, merde.

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In this entry, we’ll look at an expression using the verb câlisser, as well as all kinds of other vocabulary essential to know when speaking with francophones from Québec.

Câlisse-moi là, vas-y jusqu’au boutte

Acadian singer Lisa LeBlanc uses the words câlisse-moi là in the chorus of her song of the same name. But what does this mean?

Câlisse-moi là
Vas-y jusqu’au boutte
Finis-moi ça
Pis câlisse-moi là
J’te bette que t’es pas game
Trop peureux d’voir que
J’aimerais peut-être ça

Fucking dump me
Go all the way
Just end it already
And fucking dump me
I bet you won’t do it
[You’re] too scared to see
That I might like it

[Lisa LeBlanc, Câlisse-moi là]

The verb câlisser can be used in the sense of to “dump” someone, especially a person someone was involved with romantically. But because câlisser is a swear word, “dump” needs to be made more vulgar: we can add in “fucking” and say that câlisse-moi là means “fucking dump me.”

Lisa LeBlanc is telling the guy to end their relationship and to just fucking dump her. She doesn’t think he’s got the guts to do it though: j’te bette que t’es pas game. I bet you that you’re not game [I bet you won’t do it].

Vas-y jusqu’au boutte means the same thing as vas-y jusqu’au bout.

Lisa LeBlanc was born in New Brunswick, in 1990. New Brunswick is a province in eastern Canada and is called le Nouveau-Brunswick in French. The French spoken there is not quite the same as the French spoken in most of Québec, but it of course shares some similarities as well.

Lisa LeBlanc’s musical genre is trash folk.

C’est fini, je le câlisse là

In Ah shit, j’ai pogné le cancer (tome 1), author Maude Schiltz uses the same expression as Lisa LeBlanc did in her song.

Maude decides that she no longer wants to see a certain health professional at the hospital where she’s being treated for cancer; she’s lost all faith in him. In an email, she tells her friends:

Y a été assez poche avec moi, c’est fini, je le câlisse là.
He was pretty bad with me, it’s over, I’m fucking ditching him.

[Maude Schiltz, Ah shit, j’ai pogné le cancer (tome 1), Éditions de Mortagne, Boucherville (Québec), 2013, p. 212.]

Je l’ai câlissé là

In a short story published online called I’ve got you by Louis-Martin Deslandes, one paragraph reads:

Non! Ça va pas. Je l’ai quitté… Je suis partie ce matin, j’en ai eu assez! J’ai pris mes cliques pis mes claques, pis j’ai sacré mon camp. Comme tu dirais : je l’ai câlissé là! J’en avais assez fait de sacrifices, bon! Là, ça va faire! Un moment donné, une fille se tanne.

No! I’m not okay. I left him… I left this morning, I’d had enough! I grabbed all my stuff and got the hell outta there. As you’d say: I fuckin’ dumped him. I’d made enough sacrifices! Enough is enough! At some point, a girl’s gonna get fed up.

[Martin-Louis Deslandes, I’ve got you, consulted online 18 May 2014.]

prendre ses cliques pis ses claques, to grab all one’s stuff, to get all one’s shit together (with the intention of leaving)
sacrer son camp, to get the hell outta there
je l’ai câlissé là, I fuckin’ dumped him
là, ça va faire, enough is enough
(à) un moment donné, at some point
une fille se tanne, a girl gets fed up

Il mérite que je le câlisse là

I’ll leave you with this longer and very instructive example taken from a Facebook posting. In it, a woman writes about her chum who’s been cheating on her through Facebook.

Not only does she use the same expression containing the verb câlisser, she uses a lot of vocabulary that I’m sure you’ll be very interested in learning. I’ve provided a translation into English and a word list of the vocabulary you might be unfamiliar with.

The original version contained spelling and agreement errors. I’ve corrected the errors so that you can use the French version below to learn from, rather than the original on Facebook. Do take the time to read this; it’s full of vocab that you’ll find very good to know.

J’ai pogné mon chum à cruiser des filles assez clairement sur Facebook. Quand je dis clairement, je veux dire que ses intentions sont évidentes. Il se cherche une baise. C’est pas qu’il en manque à la maison en plus. Une des filles était une de ses ex. Il a eu droit à une sale coche évidemment. Il me dit qu’il la teste. C’est pour le fun pour voir ce qu’elle va dire.

Personnellement, je trouve que c’est de la bullshit et il mérite que je le câlisse là avec un coup de pied dans le cul, MAIS c’est compliqué; on a un enfant. La garde partagée m’enchante pas trop. Il dort à mes côtés à tous les soirs. Il sort rarement et, quand je travaille, il est avec notre enfant. Donc, je vois pas quand il aurait le temps de me tromper. J’y ai clairement expliqué que s’il tient à son couple, qu’il a intérêt à arrêter ses conneries. Mais je l’ai encore pogné hier.

Je sais pas quoi faire. Est-ce que je devrais parler à la fille??? Savoir ce qui se passe vraiment??? Ou s’il m’a trompée? Il dit que c’est une fille avec qui il a travaillé et qu’il voulait aller prendre une bière avec de même. J’ai de la misère à le croire. Je pense que je me fais bullshitter solide…

I caught my guy going pretty obviously after girls on Facebook. When I say obviously, I mean his intentions are easy to figure out. He’s looking for a fuck. And it’s not as if he’s not getting any at home either. One of the girls was his ex. Obviously I totally lost it on him. He says he’s just testing her, and that it’s just for fun to see what she’ll say.

Personally, I think that’s bullshit and he deserves for me to just fucking kick his ass to the curb, BUT it’s complicated; we’ve got a child together. Joint custody doesn’t sound appealing to me. He sleeps next to me every night. He rarely goes out and, when I’m working, he’s with our child. So, I don’t see when he’d have the time to cheat on me. I told him straight out that if he cares about the relationship, he better stop his bullshit. But I caught him again yesterday.

I don’t know what to do. Should I talk to the girl??? Find out what’s really going on??? Or if he cheated on me? He says he used to work with the girl and that he just wanted to go out for a beer with her. I have a hard time believing him. I think he’s totally bullshitting me…

pogner mon chum, to catch my guy
cruiser des filles, to try to pick up girls [pronounced crouzer]
se chercher une baise, to go looking for a fuck
péter une coche, to flip out in anger [pronounced pèter]
péter une sale coche, to flip out in anger big time
une sale coche, a nasty display of anger
c’est pour le fun, it’s for fun
c’est de la bullshit, that’s bullshit [pronounced boulechitte]
que je le câlisse là, that I just fucking end it with him, ditch him
un coup de pied dans le cul, a kick in the ass
la garde partagée, joint custody
tromper quelqu’un, to cheat on someone
tenir à son couple, to care about one’s relationship
arrêter ses conneries, to stop one’s bullshit
aller prendre une bière avec, to go for a beer with her [elle is understood]
de même, like that, just like that
avoir de la misère à faire, to have a hard time doing
bullshitter quelqu’un, to bullshit someone (to lie to someone)
se faire bullshitter solide, to have someone totally bullshit you

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If you like swear words + music with swear words, then you’ll love this short song by Laurent Paquin! It’s only 39 seconds long, but it’s full of sacres québécois (québécois swear words). Thanks to Jude for pointing me to it.

Chant sacré
Laurent Paquin (site officiel)

Ostie d’crisse de tabarnak
Ostie d’câlisse de viarge
(bis)

Ostie d’calvaire, ostie d’ciboire
Câlisse de tabarnak

Ostie d’crisse de tabarnak
Ostie d’câlisse de viarge
(bis)

Ostie d’câlisse de sacrament
Ciboire de saint Ostie

Ostie d’crisse de tabarnak
Ostie d’câlisse de viarge
(bis)

Ostie d’crisse de tabarnak
Ostie d’câlisse de viarge

_ _ _

Sacres québécois

sacres québécois

ostie = fuck
crisse = fuck
tabarnak = fuck
câlisse = fuck
viarge = fuck
calvaire = fuck
ciboire = fuck
sacrament = fuck
saint Ostie = Saint Fuck

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Décâlisse, tabarnak!

Décâlisse, tabarnak!

I witnessed an argument over an iPhone in a public place in Montréal yesterday where some colourful language was used…

A man in his 30s walked past a table where a man in his 60s was sitting. The older man was looking at his iPhone.

The younger man stopped about three metres away from the table where the older man was sitting and began to observe him intently. The older man didn’t like this, and he asked the younger man what exactly he was looking at.

That’s when the younger man explained that he had lost his iPhone in the area, and wanted to know if the iPhone the older man was using was really his own.

The older man got angry at the suggestion that he was using a lost or stolen phone. He then swore at the younger man telling him to get lost:

Décâlisse!
Go the fuck away!

The younger man asked if he could see the phone, and the older man swore at him again:

Décâlisse, tabarnak!
Go the fuck away, goddammit!

The younger man kept looking at the phone from where he was standing. He seemed pretty convinced that it might be his. He then challenged the older man by saying:

Tu viens avec moi. Tu veux parler fort? On va parler fort dehors.
You come with me. You wanna shout? We can go shout outside.

The older man just told the younger man where to go again:

DÉCÂLISSE!!!

The younger man then moved about seven metres away from the older man, wondering what he should do. After about a minute, he finally walked right up to the older man to take a really good look at the phone. After he looked, he backed off and said:

OK, c’est pas le mien. Tu vois? C’est pas compliqué. Je m’excuse.
OK, it’s not mine. You see? It’s not complicated. I’m sorry.

I don’t know who’s more to blame in this altercation!

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crucifixAt the Assemblée nationale du Québec, a crucifix hangs on the wall.

Le crucifix at the Assemblée nationale is a source of debate in Québec.

Some people would like to see this symbole religieux taken down and put into a museum instead.

Others disagree. They say that the crucifix at the Assemblée nationale is part of Québec’s heritage.

Last week, three women from the Femen movement disrupted a session at the Assemblée nationale. They protested against the presence of the crucifix.

The women chanted: Crucifix, décâlisse! (Crucifix, get the hell out!)

The slogan was also written across their bare chests:

Crucifix, décâlisse!

The verb décâlisser, which is a swear word, can be used to talk about getting the hell out of a place — or to tell someone else (and even a crucifix) to get the hell out.

Décâlisse!
Get the hell out!

Je décâlisse!
I’m getting the hell out!
I’m getting the fuck outta here!

The verb décâlisser derives from the word calice (without the accented â), the chalice used in Roman Catholicism.

Photo credits: (top) La Presse; (bottom) La Presse via L’Oreille tendue

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