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It’s the 22nd of the month today, and you do remember what that means, don’t you? Time for the listo song! Oh wait, I haven’t told you what that is yet?

Listo stands for “What They’re Listening to These Days in Québec.” It’s my version of an acronym and I’m standing by it.

Well it’s better than WTLTTDIQ, which I think could only be pronounced as wittle-tit-dick, and that’s not something I want to go around saying on the 22nds, so it’s listo.

Listo also means “smart” and “ready” in Spanish, which of course has absolutely nothing to do with anything whatsoever.

Here’s your first listo song!

J’aime ta grand-mère
Les trois accords

J’aime, j’aime ta grand-mère
Je veux d’un amour qui se passe de commentaire
Je veux refaire le tour en passant par en arrière
Je veux qu’aujourd’hui soit encore plus parfait qu’hier
Et les mains dans les airs, je ne peux plus me taire

J’aime, j’aime ta grand-mère
Je veux faire à ton père plein de demi-frères
Je dirai : « j’aime, j’aime ta grand-mère »

Nous partirons ensemble pour le Sud en hiver
Nous roulerons comme des flèches dans le désert
Les poumons remplis de quelque chose de sincère
Et la crème solaire, la fumée, la poussière

Le front en sueur dans la chaleur de la lumière
Le bruit du moteur et les roues qui lèvent la terre
Partout l’odeur de notre bonheur d’être une paire
Et au loin des rieurs, le chant des supporteurs

J’aime, j’aime ta grand-mère
Je veux faire à ton père plein de demi-frères
Je dirai : « j’aime, j’aime ta grand-mère »

Je veux goûter aux avantages de son savoir-faire
Je veux la moitié que l’on garde pour le dessert
Je veux la beauté des beautés quand c’est éphémère
Et les mains dans les airs, je chanterai haut et clair

J’aime, j’aime ta grand-mère
Je veux que ma première soit sa dernière
J’aime, j’aime ta grand-mère
Je veux faire à ton père plein de demi-frères
Je dirai : « j’aime, j’aime ta grand-mère »
Je voudrais que ta mère soit notre bouquetière
Je dirai : « j’aime, j’aime ta grand-mère »

"Oh fiddlesticks. Maybe I'll just switch to German before Felix makes me feel all shitty inside." (Oh no you don't!!)

“Oh misery. Maybe I’ll just switch to gardening before Felix makes me feel all shitty inside.” (Oh no you don’t!)

1. “I suck at French.”

Everybody thinks that. Not that you suck at French; I mean all learners think that they themselves suck at French. Take comfort knowing that you’re normal in your suckiness.

Then snap out of it and realise that it’s nonsense! You’ve made a lot of progress since you first began. Remember, there was a time when you couldn’t even count to ten in French.

2. “I’m switching to Dutch. Or gardening.”

Don’t do it. I mean, you can take up Dutch and gardening, but don’t drop French to do it. Even when the going gets tough, stay the course. Don’t get all wishy-washy, switching from French to Dutch to table tennis and back to French for another quick one.

There’s nothing mysterious about learning a language. Be consistent over a long period of time and you’ll get there.

3. “Who do francophones think they are with those silent x’s anyway?”

Fair enough. The letter x is way too cool to be so silent! But don’t let the intricacies of French get you down. You’ll get through the obstacles if you keep at it. With French, good things come to those who are patient.

Photo credit: Geo Martinez

This cool video from the magazine Urbania lets us in on some facts about Montréal that may surprise you.

The video is from 2007. Feel free to update any numbers that have changed in the comments if you can.

514, code régional

1 854 442 habitants

492 235 immigrants

7 630 rues

522 km de ruelles

233 mètres, hauteur du mont Royal

179 graffiteurs

Montréal est à
10 379 km de Tokyo
5 897 km de Paris
532 km de New York
32 km de Saint-Amable

Le 4 mars 1971,
48 cm de neige
sont tombés sur
Montréal
en 24 heures.

19 ponts

1 île

Unless you’ve got the eyes of a fucking hawk, click to see a larger version.

These 5 ads, seen near the entrance to a gym in Montréal, take a bold approach at encouraging us to tighten up our unsightly arses.

The ads use language like tabarnak, ostie, je m’en câlisse and fuck.

To shield sensitive eyes from vulgarity in French, the offensive bits have been smeared with a layer of blood-stained blubber syphoned out of a desperate gym member.

Je m’en câlisse des excuses!
Fuck off with the excuses already!
(I don’t give a fuck about the excuses!)

Ostie que ça fait du bien!
Fuck that feels good!

Bouge ton gros cul!
Move your fat ass!

Fuck le temps supplémentaire, je m’entraîne!
Fuck the overtime, I’m gonna work out!

Tabarnak que je suis hot!
Fuck I’m hot!

(Ads from Club Athlétique Mansfield)

Trottoir barré

You’re walking happily along the street listening to your favourite music.

Suddenly, you’re confronted with a closed sidewalk sign:

TROTTOIR BARRÉ

So you cross the street and walk on the other side.

A little frustrating in the moment maybe, but you keep on your way. In a few seconds, you won’t even remember that it happened.

Of course, you could choose to stop and get upset about the inconvenience.

But that’s not going to open up the sidewalk for you, and it’ll just slow you down.

The same thing happens with learning a language.

You’re moving forward in French with a swing in your step when you unexpectedly walk into a trottoir barré sign.

Maybe you didn’t understand what someone said. Maybe you forgot some vocabulary. Or maybe you had trouble pronouncing something and felt embarrassed.

Either way, you have a choice — cross the street and forget about it, or stop and get upset.

Which one do you choose?

Now that you’re better acquainted with the québécois verb pogner and how to pronounce it, here’s another expression that you can add to your knowledge:

pogner les nerfs
to lose one’s temper, to get angry

The last two letters of nerfs are silent. It sounds like “nair.”

Here are some good examples found through Google:

Personne a pogné les nerfs à part toi.
Nobody got angry except you.

Elle a pogné les nerfs après moi.
She lost her temper with me.

Je lui ai fait des avances; elle a pogné les nerfs en disant que je ne pensais qu’au cul.
I put the moves on her; she got angry saying that I only think about sex.

C’t'une joke, là! Pogne pas les nerfs!
I’m just kidding! Don’t get so angry!

J’ai vraiment dû respirer pour ne pas pogner les nerfs.
I really had to breathe to avoid losing my temper.

Fais-moi pas pogner les nerfs!
Don’t make me lose my temper!

If you take public transport, at some point you’ve seen a tired passenger trying to fight off sleep while commuting home.

His head drops, he wakes back up, his heads drops again, he wakes back up…

This little passenger below gives a good demonstration!

In French, un clou is a nail, and banging in nails is cogner des clous.

OK, but what’s that got to do with sleepy passengers?

Think of the motion made by the head of someone who’s trying to fight off sleep. Up, down, up, down… It’s like the head is a hammer, banging in nails.

That’s why that little guy in the video above and those sleepy passengers on the métro are all doing what’s referred to in Québec as cogner des clous!

They’re not literally banging in nails like the expression cogner des clous suggests. Instead, they’re fighting off sleep.

cogner des clous au volant
cogner des clous en conduisant
to nod off at the wheel, while driving

cogner des clous au travail
to nod off to sleep at work

Il cognait des clous devant la télé.
He started falling asleep in front of the TV.